Earlier today, I was talking to my mother-in-law, Dirkie (a very Godly and wise woman) about my hopes for our living accommodation; about wanting to find somewhere we can settle so I can have some sense of belonging again and to start to build a life in a local church, get a permanent job, etc. The homelessness (another story for another time) is becoming tougher to deal with as time goes on, mainly because of this sense of being in limbo.
Dirkie stopped me in my tracks as I was talking. She said, "I have noticed this about you before, and I hope you don't mind me saying this but - you keep calling him 'God'. I believe you will see everything differently if you can learn to call Him 'Father'. He has you in the palm of His hand", she cupped her hands as she described this to me, "and He wants you to trust Him as Father and not as a distant God.". Instantly, tears came to my eyes. It pierced my heart so deeply, because I wanted so much to not just believe it, but KNOW it. In fact, what she said bore witness in my spirit, because just the previous night when, once again, I had cried myself to sleep, I had felt the Spirit saying to me, "Let me be your closest friend...confide in Me as you would your most intimate confidant so that I can whisper to you my deepest secrets. You can know Me so well that you will never feel empty again, no matter who hurts you or what difficulties you face". I cried and laughed all at once when I perceived His voice, but part of me was still afraid to believe that was even possible. I fell asleep without saying "yes".
Now, here was my Heavenly Father, speaking through Dirkie, trying once again to draw me in and get me to take that step of faith. What was that step? Simply to believe it was possible to trust Him that much. That He really did want me to know Him that intimately. Yet the fear holding me back was that fact that acting on what He was offering meant acknowledging that I could entrust my heart to no human being fully, not even to my husband. Even though this fact has already been proved by recent events, I have still wanted so much to go back to my self-delusion, that my husband's integrity was in tact and that he would never betray me or hurt me that way again. The idea that I could be exposed to that degree of pain again in the future has been the thing that has kept me locked inside myself, unwilling to surrender every part of me to God as I had been in the process of doing before all this happened.
Fear is a terrible thing. And the only way to get past it is to face the fact that only my Heavenly Father can be fully trusted with my heart. Only He can strengthen me, if I let Him, to the point where I can face ANYTHING that comes against me. Even writing these words fills me with trepidation.
Tonight, as Mark and Cameron (my step-son) sleep, I still need to resolve this issue in my mind. Where do I go for answers? The bible - His word. I've been re-reading the Gospel of John, stopping every so often to visualise the scene described on the page. Imagining Jesus voice as he taughts those around Him and the atmosphere of both excitement and contempt from the crowds.
His words, "the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do" intrigues me. Jesus' relationship with His Heavenly Father was so intimate that He knew exactly what the Father wanted at any given time. This is exactly what the Father wanted for me too. The same relationship with Him that Jesus had and has. But how do I get there? This question is on my mind as I continue reading. In the next few chapters, Jesus describes Himself as the Bread of Life and Living Water to those who would believe in Him. Again, these descriptions imply total dependency on Him (our spiritual food and drink, crucial if I don't want to live my life feeling totally detached from him - spiritually dead).
Then, in John 8.31, Jesus arrests me with the words, "If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I pick that sentence apart and apply it to myself:
- If I make His words a priority - constantly thinking about them, applying them to my life, acting on them - then I am truly someone who is following Him. That means it's true even if I don't necessarily understand them all at once. Just keeping His word at the forefront of my mind and motivations is what He's asking for here, I think.
- If I am following Him, that means He is leading me. That means I'm going in the direction He wants me to go in. There's security in that fact alone!!
- Jesus says that as I follow Him (as His disciple), I will know the truth. In other words, His words will gradually become real to me - truth. I will receive revelation by the Spirit ("my words are spirit and they are life" (John 6.63)
- As His words become revelation they will set me free from the things that have kept me in bondage - fear, pain, etc.
This, to me, partly answers the question about how I develop an intimate relationship with Him. How can I follow Him without becoming close to Him like His disciples were? He is talking to me. I am talking back. We are listening to one another. Friendship with Jesus. Friendship with my Father.
I know I am only just starting to see this and that further revelation will come, but one thing I know. My Father initiated this. He has invited me to know Him as Father. As I now say "yes", He will show me how.
I am ready for that.
